Packing up my stuff waiting for the bell to ring I
tap my finger to the melody in my head. I constantly stare at the clock
as if the clock was staring back at me. I could just hear myself saying
"5 more minutes 5 more minutes." I could not hear the teacher’s
voice, my brain blocking her out thinking too much of the end of school.
I can hear myself again "1 more minute 1 more minute!" Finally
it rang. Pushing my way through the door and through the crowd, I try to
find everyone. I see them, as I run to them. the sun shines in
my eyes. I get to them. Waiting and waiting for the rest of my friends to
come I can already feel the stress and weight off my shoulder. As they
all came we grabbed our things and ran down the stairs. I could see the
bright blue building in front of me. Finally we were there.
Walking into the gym, I could already feel my nerves kicking in. Heart pumping nonstop I could hardly breathe as we set up. Carrying the heavy blue and white chairs, talking to my teammates I look around the gym thinking of happiness. I could hardly wait for the games to start. We continue to set up. Minute by minute passed nothing changed, we were all in the gym talking and laughing. Volleyball players crowding the gym as we wait for the games to start, I could see the other team coming in as we put on our shoes and knee pads. They were super big! I told myself "we could beat them." Seeing my coaches walk in I could feel a lot of butterflies in my stomach. Finally the games started.
I could see the gym getting more and more crowded. Sweat dripping down my face, I grabbed a volleyball to warm up with my partner. I toss the ball high in the air watching my hand hit the ball then the ball hit the ground. We continued to do the same warm up as I hear the referee yell "CAPTAINS!" Our captains ran over to the referees as fast as they could. I could see them flipping the coin, heads or tails. We won! We warmed up first as the other team was digging. Our team was finally done warming up we went to the back going to dig. Beep, Beep, Beep, I heard the ref's whistle. We serve first. The first set passed it was really good then the second. After a hard fought game, we won!!
As people are leaving, I am feeling good that we won. Then, I find out that we have to ref. We were assigned to our spots. As I was walking to my spot I was thinking to myself that whenever I come here I think of nothing but positive things and nothing here is negative. As I ref the game I look around the gym and feel positive energy and that is why the gym is my second home.
First off, you have to make sure all the simple errors are fixed especially when it comes to complete sentences. There are some fragments that don't serve a purpose, re-read and fix. Also you spent an entire paragraph giving sensory detail about you waiting for the bell to ring but rush through describing the volleyball game. You need to make sure you give sensory detail where it matters so maybe focus more on the volleyball game. Also, you need to tell us why this place is special, why it erases all your stress, why does it help you compared to other things. AS(2)
ReplyDeleteFirst off, you have to make sure all the simple errors are fixed especially when it comes to complete sentences. There are some fragments that don't serve a purpose, re-read and fix. Also you spent an entire paragraph giving sensory detail about you waiting for the bell to ring but rush through describing the volleyball game. You need to make sure you give sensory detail where it matters so maybe focus more on the volleyball game. Also, you need to tell us why this place is special, why it erases all your stress, why does it help you compared to other things. AS(2)
ReplyDelete