August 29, 2009 was probably the worst day in history for me. I couldn't stop crying. The tears on my face were flowing down as if it were the biggest waterfall on earth. The hospital was always the worst place for me, ever since I was a baby. I was born with a heart defect called Tetrology of Fallot with Pulmonary Atresea. That means that I was born without a pulmonary artery and had a hole in my heart. I have had two open heart surgeries and need to go to the hospital every six months for testing. The day that I had to go in for my lung perfusion scan turned out to be a very painful one.
Checking in the doctor's room I could barely breathe thinking if I would have to get an I/V or not. As my mom and I walk to the waiting room, I asked my mom a bunch of questions, like "What are they going to do to me today? Do I have to get a shot?" As we were casually looking around for seats we finally found one right next to the door where the nurses call your name to say that there ready for you. Watching my mom as she fills out the forms, I continue to think of the whether I have to get an I/V shot or not. Finally after 10 minutes, that felt like 1 hour, they finally call my name.
As my mom and I walk through the door slowly they ask me a bunch of questions, like "How are you doing today?" Answering them quietly I take off my shoes and step on the scale. After all the check up stuff, we walk into a room down the hall. The doctor comes in and starts talking to my mom about my heart and lungs and other things. Then he said it, I have to get an I/V shot. I look at my mom with a mad face then we walk out the door. As we enter the room that smelled like alcohol wipes, I jump onto the table and pick the arm I want them to put it. The first doctor puts the needle in and no blood comes out. She poked another one in my arm and it didn't work out again. She tries about 4 more times. The tears start to kick in as needle by needle went in. The nurse finally calls another doctor to come but still no blood. He tries about two times, then calls another doctor. Finally after one try he got it! After two hours of being poked eight times, we finally left the room to get the lung perfusion scan. My face was all red and full of tears. When the scan was over, my mom looked at me, feeling sorry for me and asked, "Where do you want to go? We will do whatever you want."
My face finally lit up and I had a big smile on my face thinking about what to do. The worst day at the end turned out to be one of the best days of my life. Thinking carefully on what I wanted to do I finally got It! I told her that I wanted to go to the Hawaiian Humane Society. On our way there, I hoped I would find a dog that I liked. When we finally got there, I jumped out of the car running to the dog section then to the dog section. As I pass the dog section, there was a cage with about 12 puppies! I could barely breathe looking how cute they all where. I saw the one I wanted, the most fluffiest one there. Running around the whole humane society trying to find my parents, I called them over and asked them if I could get it. My dad said yes. I was so happy at the end of the day.
As we were paying for him my mom asked my siblings and I what we wanted to name him. We couldn't decide on a name. Blackie? Fluffy? Then, as we were driving to our grandma's house my mom finally came up with one. Hachi, because he was born on the eighth month, weighed eight pounds, and I got eight shots! And my mom said that our grandma would approve of the dog if it was a Japanese name so my mom thought of Hachi. Even though this day started out as a really bad and horrible day, it turned out to be one of the best days of my life.
HI BRIANNE. So i read your essay and I feel that the story choice was really good. But the only thing I can say is that you should add on more to sound a little more professional in this essay. Overall, good job!
ReplyDeleteI love your essay, I never knew this about you. I think that you should give it a little more dramatic and less common words. Pretend its like the word choice olympics. Try to tie it in to how you could be prepared for college. Like finding the best in a bad situation or something more originally. Your prompt was missing as well.
ReplyDeleteYou're essay was fantastic! It had such good details, to the point where I can imagine seeing exactly how that certain event in your life occurred. The only thing I would suggest is to strengthen your vocabulary and put your college prompt in the beginning, so we'll know what your essay will be about.
ReplyDeleteAS(1+) You need to post the prompt at the top so that I know exactly what your essay should be about. You have a good idea but your word choice could be a lot stronger to create a more in-depth effective story. You spend a lot of time talking about the hospital visit and then only a paragraph on the dog. What part is the focus? You need to focus on one aspect and then discuss that and then discuss how you felt. Reflect.
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