Parent commenting plus portfolio

ENGLISH PORTFOLIO: http://brisumida.wix.com/briannesumida

PARENT COMMENT:  Good job with your work this semester.  You are making progress in your writing skills.  Remember to check for spelling and grammar errors.    I am glad that you have been more responsible about your work.  Try to be a quality producer--STRIVE to do a good job on every assignment.  I liked reading your "Coming of Age" essay.  You had a lot of voice in your writing.
I would like you to fully understand the writing assignment.  Support your writing with details and remember "chunky paragraph". 

Angry letter (draft)

1544 Haku Street
Honolulu, Hawaii, 96819
December 3, 2014

Shimazu Store
330 North School Street
Honolulu, HI 96817

Dear Shimazu Administration,

My family and I have been going to your store for many years to eat shave ice, even when it used to be B&S Store.  Every time we were around the Liliha area, my sisters and I would beg our parents or grandparents to go to your store, wait in the long line, and eat shave ice, especially the strawberry.

However, recently we have had some concerns about the prices of your shave ice.  Just  last weekend my family and I went to your store to eat shave ice and found out that your prices have gotten extremely high.  I noticed that throughout the years that I have been going, your prices have risen from about $2.25 to the current cost of $4.00.  I understand that the size of your shave ice is huge and there are many different favors to choose from, however,  the price is to high for a weekly treat.  Many customers also want to add toppings such as azuki beans, mocha balls, condensed milk, or li hing powder.  These additions cost 75 cents or more for EACH topping!

Although you have the best shave ice on the island, spending $5.00 for an afternoon snack is more expensive than two school lunches!  Perhaps making a smaller sized shave ice for a reasonable price would be better for young children who cannot finish an entire shave ice by themselves.

Shimazu shave ice is a well-known treat and should be enjoyed by all.  If your prices were more reasonable, we would be able to enjoy your shave ice regularly, not just as a once in awhile  treat.

I understand that since your shave ice is so popular that even if you raise your prices, people will still come.  But I  feel that your longtime regular customers, like my family and me, will not be able to continue to enjoy our favorite strawberry shave ice as often as we would like.


Sincerely,




Brianne Sumida

Cyber bullying final draft

          Technology today has changed and improved over the years.  All these new apps that help us keep in touch with all the different events in the world can lead to cyber bullying.  Typically, to bully a person by use of electronics communication is sending messages of an intimidating or threatening nature.  Cyber bullies nowadays use apps such as Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and Myspace to intimidate others.
       
         Today, nearly 43% of teenagers have been bullied online.  One in four occasions happened more then once.  Scientists show that most of the kids that are being cyber bullied get bullied in person as well.  The newer the technology, the easier it will become for someone to get bullied.  Most of the time, when someone gets bullied online, they are least likely to get caught, because they can just do it anonymously.  It was proven that many teens who get cyber bullied are most likely to use alcohol, drugs, skip school, or even receive poor grades.

         Throughout the last decade, there have been many tragic cases of young teens being cyber bullied.  For example, Tina Meier committed suicide because of her weight at the age of 13.  She  added a guy named John on Myspace and started talking to him.  She said that he was one of the few people who thought she was pretty,  but a while later he started saying things like "the world would be better off without you."  That's when she committed suicide.  Committing suicide is one of the most tragic thing young teens do when they become cyber bullied.

       Sources say that cyber bullying consists of sending or posting cruel messages, photos or videos on the internet or any electronic media with intent of damaging the reputation of the target.  Many victims of cyber bullying tend to change the way they act or dress.  Most of the time they change their personality into someone totally different from themselves.  They keep that different personality hoping that the person bullying them would stop. Most of the time, the bully would keep harassing them until they break.
   
       Today, teenagers think that cyber bullying isn't a big deal but it is!  The kids that have been cyber bullied have a hard time standing up for themselves.  They think that the bully is more powerful then themselves.  This causes them to loose the confidence they once had in themselves.  Cyber bullying is a terrible thing which can cause depression, sadness, loneliness, and even suicide.

Risky business Rough draft (cyberbullying)

           Cyber bullying for very few people could be a good thing like gaining self confidence for people who don't have any confidence, but for most people its a terrible thing for someone to do.  It can cause so many problems for the kids that had been cyber bullied, for instance feeling sadness & loneliness, having the lost if interest they enjoyed doing in the pas before they were bullied, and even committing too suiccide.  Now days we have so much technology most people find useful and helpful.  Just think a little for a moment about what technology can do to kids now days like cyber bullying.

             Now days social media has so many goods and bade about it.  This depends on how you use these different social media sites or apps.  For some people they really don't like so social media even though it's a really helpful source.  But people take that source for granted by cyber bullying people.  When people get cyber bullied they tend to start feeling sad&lonley.  When they start to get those feels they start to exclude there self for the social life and most of there friends.

            Cyber bullying has so many affects that people can have when one is cyber bullied the most common is probably comitting to suiccide.  Now days if you see on the news or newspaper you here every so often someone committed to suiccide.  Mostly if kids committe to suiccide now days it probably from cyberbullying.  This affect is one of the most horrifying thing anyone can do.  This is one of the most horrible affects to suiccide.

           The last affect of cyber bullying and how it is cause by social media is having the list of interest of things they enjoyed doing before they were cyber bullied.  this is the most tragic one because it's like losing all you hobbies you have enjoyed and it just dissapears.  Many kids might have this problem because they could have been cyber bullied on the sport they played or what they enjoyed or liked.  This is why cyberbullying can cause the lost of interest of things they enjoyed dong before they were bullied.

         Cyber bullying to some people can be a good thing like gaining self confidence,  but too most people it's a terrible thing for some one to do it can cause suiccide, the lack of sadness&lonliness,  and the Lost of interest of things they enjoyed during before they were bullied.  This is only one of the many problems social media can cause If you don't use it in the right way.

describe the best and worst day of your life (college essay final)

August 29, 2009 was a day that I will never forget.  The tears on my face were flowing down as if it were the biggest waterfall on earth. The hospital was always the worst place for me, ever since I was a baby.  I was born with a heart defect called Tetrology of Fallot with Pulmonary Atresea.  That means that I was born without a pulmonary artery and had a hole in my heart.  I have had two open heart surgeries and need to go to the hospital every six months for testing.  The day that I had to go in for a routine lung perfusion scan turned out to be the worst day in my life.

          Checking in the doctor's room I could barely breathe thinking if I would have to get an I/V or not.  As my mom and I walked to the waiting room, I asked my mom a bunch of questions, like "What are they going to do to me today? Do I have to get a shot?"  As we were casually looking around for seats we finally found one right next to the nurse’s station.  Watching my mom as she fills out the forms, I continue to think of the whether I have to get an I/V shot or not.  Finally after 10 minutes, that felt like 1 hour, they finally call my name.

        We walked through the door slowly. The nurses asked me a bunch of questions, like "How are you doing today?"  Answering them quietly as I take off my shoes and step on the scale.  After all the check up stuff, we walk into a room down the hall.  The doctor came in and started talking to my mom about my heart and lungs and other things.  Then he said it, I had to get an I/V inserted so that they could shoot a dye to view all of the arteries in my heart.  I look at my mom with uncertainty, then we walked out the door.  As we entered the sterile room that smelled like alcohol wipes, I hesitantly jumped onto the table and picked the arm I want them to put the I/V.  The first nurse puts the needle in and no blood comes out. She poked another one in my arm and it didn't work out again. She tries about 4 more times.  The tears start to kick in as needle by needle went in.  I pleaded with them to stop.  The nurse finally calls the anesthesiologist to try his luck.   Finally after one try he got it!  After two hours of being poked eight times, we finally left the room to get the lung perfusion scan. My face was all red and full of tears.  When the scan was over, my mom looked at me, feeling sorry for me and asked, "Where do you want to go? We will do whatever you want."

        My face finally lit up, as I could feel a change coming. I had a big smile on my face thinking about what to do.   Thinking carefully on what I wanted to do I finally got It! I told her that I wanted to go to the Hawaiian Humane Society.  On our way there, I hoped I would find a dog that I liked.  When we finally got there, I jumped out of the car running from  the cat section then to the dog section.  As I pass the dog section, there was a cage with about 12 puppies! I could barely breathe looking how cute they all were.  I saw the one I wanted, the most fluffiest one there.  Running around the whole humane society trying to find my parents, I led them over and asked them if I could get it.  My dad said yes. I was so happy at the end of the day.

       As we were paying for him my mom asked my siblings and I what we wanted to name him.   We couldn't decide on a name.  Blackie?  Fluffy?  Then, as we were driving to our grandma's house my mom finally came up with one.  Hachi, because he was born on the eighth month, weighed eight pounds, and I got eight shots!  And my mom said that our grandma would approve of the dog if it was a Japanese name so my mom thought of Hachi.  

When we brought him home, he jumped out of the car running out to my grandma's front yard. When we went home, my mom started gating everything off: the kitchen, bathroom, upstairs everything!  She didn't trust him at all.  She always thought that male dogs weren't as smart as female dogs. That's why she didn't want to get him at first.  Getting ready for bed my mom only would let hachi hachi sleep in her bathroom with it gated until he was old enough to go off on his own.  I remember falling asleep with my hand under the  gate so that I could comfort him throughout the night.  Now, he comes to sleep in my bedroom and I feel safe knowing that he will protect the house.  

The worst day of my life has long been forgotten but having Hachi around to protect and love us is all that we can ask for. Even though this day started out as a really bad and horrible day, it turned out to be one of the best days of my  life.

word choice olympics

1.      As the kids dad came out of the car the kids raced to their dad with a big smile on their face.  They continueed to laugh and talk about his long and hard journey in the car ride back home.  When the happy family got home from getting their dad, they had a nice family dinner and talked about how his days in the field were.  His kids were so happu to see him They gave him a big huge present for serving our country.  After a few weeks of talking story catching uo with everybody.  He finally got settled in and continued to live in a normally family lfe style. The end!

2.     She was almost done one last mission to kill the bank cashier.  She was almost done she just had one more task, can she do it?!?  She continued to do her job as she entered the bamk.  she kept on shooting the costomers that were in her way one by one down.  Finally this was her chance of a life time she has been waiting for.  A moment of truth.  She finally reached the cashier, She pulled out the gun waiting to pull the trigger standing and pointing the gun to the cashiers head like she was ordered.  but nothing happended.  She was out of bullets!

3.      It was 25-26 with the u.s winning!  Getting ready to serve the crowd going wild yelling and screaming.  As the crowd was going crazy the player grabbed the ball.  waiting for the right time to come he slowly took his approach finally bam! he served the ball.  The crowd went wild jumping up and down they just won the gold olympics.  He started crying of joy, he never felt so relived in his life that he just won the gold medal for his team .

 en.wikipedia.org 

4.   

Best day and worst day of my life: college essay

           August 29, 2009 was probably the worst day in history for me.  I couldn't stop crying. The tears on my face were flowing down as if it were the biggest waterfall on earth. The hospital was always the worst place for me, ever since I was a baby.  I was born with a heart defect called Tetrology of Fallot with Pulmonary Atresea.  That means that I was born without a pulmonary artery and had a hole in my heart.  I have had two open heart surgeries and need to go to the hospital every six months for testing.  The day that I had to go in for my lung perfusion scan turned out to be a very painful one.

           Checking in the doctor's room I could barely breathe thinking if I would have to get an I/V or not.  As my mom and I walk to the waiting room, I asked my mom a bunch of questions, like "What are they going to do to me today? Do I have to get a shot?"  As we were casually looking around for seats we finally found one right next to the door where the nurses call your name to say that there ready for you.  Watching my mom as she fills out the forms, I continue to think of the whether I have to get an I/V shot or not.  Finally after 10 minutes, that felt like 1 hour, they finally call my name.

         As my mom and I walk through the door slowly they ask me a bunch of questions, like "How are you doing today?"  Answering them quietly I take off my shoes and step on the scale.  After all the check up stuff, we walk into a room down the hall.  The doctor comes in and starts talking to my mom about my heart and lungs and other things.  Then he said it, I have to get an I/V shot.  I look at my mom with a mad face then we walk out the door.  As we enter the room that smelled like alcohol wipes, I jump onto the table and pick the arm I want them to put it.  The first doctor puts the needle in and no blood comes out. She poked another one in my arm and it didn't work out again. She tries about 4 more times.  The tears start to kick in as needle by needle went in.  The nurse finally calls another doctor to come but still no blood.  He tries about two times, then calls another doctor.  Finally after one try he got it!  After two hours of being poked eight times, we finally left the room to get the lung perfusion scan. My face was all red and full of tears.  When the scan was over, my mom looked at me, feeling sorry for me and asked, "Where do you want to go? We will do whatever you want."

         My face finally lit up and I had a big smile on my face thinking about what to do.  The worst day at the end turned out to be one of the best days of my life.  Thinking carefully on what I wanted to do I finally got It! I told her that I wanted to go to the Hawaiian Humane Society.  On our way there, I hoped I would find a dog that I liked.  When we finally got there, I jumped out of the car running to the dog section then to the dog section.  As I pass the dog section, there was a cage with about 12 puppies! I could barely breathe looking how cute they all where.  I saw the one I wanted, the most fluffiest one there.  Running around the whole humane society trying to find my parents, I called them over and asked them if I could get it.  My dad said yes. I was so happy at the end of the day.

        As we were paying for him my mom asked my siblings and I what we wanted to name him.   We couldn't decide on a name.  Blackie?  Fluffy?  Then, as we were driving to our grandma's house my mom finally came up with one.  Hachi, because he was born on the eighth month, weighed eight pounds, and I got eight shots!  And my mom said that our grandma would approve of the dog if it was a Japanese name so my mom thought of Hachi.  Even though this day started out as a really bad and horrible day, it turned out to be one of the best days of my life.